getting your way
There's an art to getting your way, and spitting olive pits across the table isn't it.
Gwen had her best sleep ever on her new bed of nails.
I've never seen a more beautiful brandy glass filled with wine.
There's a message for you if you look up.
The Great Dane looked more like a horse than a dog.
The secret ingredient to his wonderful life was crime.
He had unknowingly taken up sleepwalking as a nighttime hobby.
The toddler’s endless tantrum caused the entire plane anxiety.
He told us a very exciting adventure story.
She thought there'd be sufficient time if she hid her watch.
She insisted that cleaning out your closet was the key to good driving.
The pigs were insulted that they were named hamburgers.
The fifty mannequin heads floating in the pool kind of freaked them out.
He waited for the stop sign to turn to a go sign.
Toddlers feeding raccoons surprised even the seasoned park ranger.
All you need to do is pick up the pen and begin.
It was getting dark, and we weren’t there yet.
You realize you're not alone as you sit in your bedroom massaging your calves after a long day of playing tug-of-war with Grandpa Joe in the hospital.
I just wanted to tell you I could see the love you have for your child by the way you look at her.
For some unfathomable reason, the response team didn't consider a lack of milk for my cereal as a proper emergency.
Jason lived his life by the motto, "Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.
Don't piss in my garden and tell me you're trying to help my plants grow.
Fluffy pink unicorns are a popular status symbol among macho men.
It's important to remember to be aware of rampaging grizzly bears.
his seven-layer cake only had six layers.
Tomatoes make great weapons when water balloons aren’t available.
He wondered if she would appreciate his toenail collection.
He had a vague sense that trees gave birth to dinosaurs.
I only enjoy window shopping when the windows are transparent.
Instead of a bachelorette party
He would only survive if he kept the fire going and he could hear thunder in the distance.
Please tell me you don't work in a morgue.
Most shark attacks occur about 10 feet from the beach since that's where the people are.
Jerry liked to look at paintings while eating garlic ice cream.
The trick to getting kids to eat anything is to put catchup on it.
I've always wanted to go to Tajikistan, but my cat would miss me.
The external scars tell only part of the story.
The book is in front of the table.
I liked their first two albums but changed my mind after that charity gig.
It took me too long to realize that the ceiling hadn't been painted to look like the sky.
You should never take advice from someone who thinks red paint dries quicker than blue paint.
Don't put peanut butter on the dog's nose.
It took him a while to realize that everything he decided not to change, he was actually choosing.
I'd always thought lightning was something only I could see.
The dead trees waited to be ignited by the smallest spark and seek their revenge.
She was only made the society president because she can whistle with her toes.
There were three sphered rocks congregating in a cubed room.
Combines are no longer just for farms.
My biggest joy is roasting almonds while stalking prey.
The fact that there's a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell explains life well.
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